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Vows are arguably the most important part of a wedding or elopement ceremony!
We’ve all seen weddings in movies (and probably been to a few ourselves) where the couple or the officiant repeats some variation of “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer…”
This is probably the most recognizable example of wedding vows – but they’re so much more than that! Your vows can be as traditional, unconventional, or personal as you want. They’re a way to declare your commitment to each other and represent what’s important to you going into your marriage.
It’s becoming more and more common for couples to include personal vows in their wedding ceremony, in addition to (or sometimes instead of) traditional vows like the ones above. But how do you write your own personal wedding vows?
In this guide, we’ll get into the difference between traditional and personal vows, how to write your own vows, and some creative ways to share your vows with your partner!
Table of Contents
- What Are Wedding Vows?
- Vows at Elopements & Intimate Weddings
- How to Write Your Own Wedding Vows
- When to Share Your Vows
What Are Wedding Vows?
Wedding vows are the promises you and your partner make to each other during your wedding ceremony. Those promises can range from the standard – like vowing to love one another for a lifetime – to the unique and personal.
Depending on your culture or religion, your vows might follow a standard script, or they might be something you write yourselves. And a lot of wedding ceremonies include both!
Types of Wedding Vows
There are two types of wedding vows that most couples include in their wedding ceremonies: traditional vows and personal vows.
Traditional Vows
Traditional wedding vows are usually influenced by your culture or religion. They’re the part of a wedding ceremony where the officiant typically asks you to “repeat after me” or say “I do.”
The most common traditional wedding vows include promises like loving one another “in sickness and in health” and “until death do us part.” They can also include religious references, like committing yourselves to your faith as well as to each other.
The specific wording will depend on your culture – or just your personal preferences! But one thing that’s pretty standard with traditional vows is that both partners make the same promises.
Personal Vows
Personal wedding vows are the vows you and your partner each write yourselves. Like the name suggests, these are usually unique and personal to your relationship. You might share what you love about your partner and make specific promises about your marriage.
Personal vows are one of the most special parts of a wedding ceremony, whether you’re having a big traditional wedding or an elopement in the middle of nature. They’re your chance to pour your heart out to your partner!
Personal wedding vows can definitely be a little intimidating to write – they’re kind of like the most important love letter or Valentine’s Day card you’ve ever written. Fortunately, I’ve got a lot of advice below to take the pressure off and help you craft personal, meaningful vows to your partner!
Vows at Elopements & Intimate Weddings
One question I get a lot as an elopement and intimate wedding photographer is: do we have to include vows in our ceremony?
And the answer is: nope! Not if you don’t want to.
Especially in an elopement or microwedding, your ceremony can look like whatever you want. If you’re not comfortable writing and sharing personal vows, you can totally skip it. Every relationship expresses love a little differently, and your ceremony should feel right for you!
That being said, most couples do include personal vows in their elopement and intimate wedding ceremonies. I think these kinds of ceremonies lend themselves to more personal, pressure-free vows. If you’re eloping just the two of you, there’s no one else listening in to your most intimate declarations of love to your partner.
Plus, if you’re not following a traditional wedding timeline, you have a lot more options for how and when to exchange personal vows. For example, you could write letters to each other instead of reading your vows aloud (and I’ve got a lot more ideas later in this guide). You can also just opt for traditional vows instead of personal ones, if that feels less stressful.
You can share (or not share) vows however feels right to you. And if you’re not sure about the best way to do it, I’m happy to help you come up with a plan as we work through the timeline for your elopement or intimate wedding day!
Why Wedding Vows Matter For Your Elopement
I think it can help to take a step back from a “traditional” view of what wedding vows are and look at them not as a performance or a requirement, but just as promises – individual, unique, imperfect promises you make to your partner.
You can view your wedding vows as a way to reflect on the story of your relationship and what brought you here, to the moment you get to marry your person. They’re a chance to tell your partner exactly what you love and appreciate about them.
And your wedding vows are also a chance to daydream about what a marriage together looks like – what you’re looking forward to, and how you want to love and support each other in the future.
Vows are such a special thing to include in your elopement because they’re often one of the most emotional and intimate parts of the day. They’re an opportunity to make a meaningful core memory and mark the exact moment you committed to each other.
I’ll get into all the specifics of how to write vows below – but the most important thing to keep in mind is that your vows should fit your and your relationship. Focus on making them special and meaningful, instead of “following the rules”!
How to Write Your Own Wedding Vows
Writing your own wedding vows can be intimidating! It’s a once-in-a-lifetime moment, and you want to get it right. Fortunately, there’s no one “right” way to write your vows.
In fact, I think the best wedding vows aren’t perfect – they’re authentic, a little messy, and sound like you. So don’t stress about using flawless grammar or finding just the right word. Instead, focus on writing your feelings the way you’d say them out loud to your partner.
Prompts for Vow Writing
If you’re staring at a blank page and not sure how to start writing your vows, begin by answering a few of these questions!
Don’t worry about writing perfect sentences yet – just jot down your thoughts, memories, and feelings. You can come back later and start organizing your writing into a structure that makes sense (I’ve got some ideas below).
- What was your first impression of your partner?
- When did you realize you were falling in love?
- What are some early memories that still make you smile?
- What made your relationship feel different from others you’ve had?
- What are three qualities you admire most about them?
- What small things do they do that mean a lot to you?
- What makes them unique?
- What are some little quirks or habits of theirs that you love?
- What challenges have you navigated together?
- How have you grown since meeting them?
- How has your life changed because of them?
- What do you admire about the way they move through the world?
- When do you feel most proud of them?
- How do you promise to support them?
- What kind of partner do you want to be for them?
- What promises feel important for your future together?
- What are some lighthearted promises you can make?
- What are you most excited about in your future together?
- What adventures or experiences do you look forward to sharing?
- How do you imagine growing old together?
Structure for Vow Writing
Once you’ve got some ideas jotted down for your vows, it’s time to start organizing them! Again, there’s no right way to do this – unlike traditional vows, personal vows don’t usually follow a standard structure.
But if you’re struggling to organize your thoughts, here’s a rough outline to help you get started:
Start with your story
Begin by describing how you met your partner, when you realized you loved them, and any key moments that defined your relationship.
Share what you love and admire about them
Talk about your partner’s personality traits, the way they treat others, the small everyday things they do that make your life better, and the way they’ve impacted your life.
Acknowledge growth or challenges
Acknowledge any difficult seasons you’ve gone through together, challenges that made you stronger, and how they’ve supported you through hard times.
Make your promises
Make promises to your partner for the future – emotional promises, supportive promises, and funny or lighthearted promises.
End with your commitment
Share your dreams and wishes for your future together, and commit to your partner with the most important thoughts and feelings that have come up as you’ve been writing.
How Long Should My Vows Be?
Like every other aspect of writing personal vows, there’s no right length for your vows. Typically, most personal vows I’ve heard are about 1 to 3 minutes.
But especially during an elopement, your vows can definitely be longer! If you want to sit down on a blanket together and spend a while taking in the moment and reading each other a long letter, that’s totally fine.
My biggest piece of advice for the length of your vows is to chat with your partner beforehand if you’re hoping to keep them a similar length. It can be awkward if one partner writes a whole novel, and the other only a few sentences. It’s a good idea to have similar expectations going in!
Tips for Preparing to Write Your Own Vows
As an elopement and intimate wedding photographer, I’ve witnessed a lot of ceremonies over the years (and heard a lot of vows)! Here’s some of the best advice I’ve collected for getting in the right mindset to write your vows:
Don’t wait until the last minute
Start drafting your vows early so you have time to edit and review.
Take breaks while writing
If you feel stuck, take a break and come back to writing later. You can also go back to some of the original prompt questions to spark your creativity.
Write now, edit later
It’s better to get your unfiltered thoughts onto the page now and organize them later than to stress about your first draft being perfect.
Don’t compare yourself
Don’t try to compare your vows to your partner’s, or worry about whose will be “better.” I promise your partner just wants your vows to feel authentic to you!
Practice reading your vows out loud
Read your vows several times before your wedding day to get comfortable and familiar with them! This will also help you identify any awkward wording and make sure your vows sound like “you.”
Write your vows on paper
I highly recommend writing the final copy of your vows on paper, rather than your phone. Handwritten vows are a really sentimental keepsake from your wedding day – even if it’s just a piece of notebook paper!
If you want a more elevated way to write your vows, consider getting vow books. You can personalize them with your names or the location of your wedding, and they’re a cute addition to detail photos! Etsy has lots of cute options – here are some of my favorites:
When to Share Your Vows
When you think about sharing wedding vows, you’re probably imagining a traditional wedding ceremony, where each person reads their vows in front of an officiant and all their guests. But it doesn’t have to be that way!
Eloping gives you the most freedom for when and how to share your vows. But even during a larger wedding, some couples opt to do traditional vows in front of their guests, and exchange personal vows at a more private time.
Think about yourselves as a couple and what would be the most comfortable and meaningful for you. For some people, exchanging vows in front of their friends and family is an important part of the commitment they’re making. But if you don’t like public speaking, or you don’t want others to hear your intimate thoughts and promises, then you can exchange personal vows during another part of the day.
Creative Ways to Exchange Vows
Here are some creative ideas for moments other than your ceremony to exchange vows with your partner:
Over morning coffee
Have coffee or breakfast together before getting ready for your wedding day, and share your vows then. This can take some of the pressure off if you’re nervous and don’t want to stress all day!
During a first touch
You can stand back-to-back and share your vows before you see each other on your wedding day. This is a great option if you want to exchange personal vows before your ceremony, but you aren’t doing a first look.
After your first look
You can make your personal vows part of your first look – it’s already such a sentimental private moment! This option makes sense especially if you’re traveling somewhere together for your ceremony.
Right before or after the ceremony
If your ceremony includes guests and you don’t want to read your vows in front of them, you can still make the vows feel like “part of the ceremony” by sharing them right before or after.
At sunrise or sunset
Have a special moment together as the sun rises or sets – reflecting on the wedding day you’re about to have, or the one you just shared together.
While adventuring
Share your vows at the summit of a hike, sitting by an alpine lake, or on the edge of an overlook. You don’t even have to plan in advance exactly where – you can find the perfect view during your adventures and decide to exchange vows then.
In written letters
If you’re not comfortable reading your vows out loud, you can write them as letters to each other and read them (separately or together) during a quiet part of your day.
Around the campfire
If your favorite part of the day is sitting around the campfire or sharing a drink as the evening winds down, that’s a perfect time to share your vows!
The biggest takeaway about how to write your vows should be that there are no hard and fast rules! Your wedding vows can be however you want them to be. The most important thing is that they feel authentic to you.
The guidance above is just meant to give you some ideas and help you if you’re stuck – and to make sure you know that there are so many options for what to include in your vows and how to share them with your partner.
If you had a rigid idea about what wedding vows should look like (or were super intimidated by the process), I hope this guide has given you more tools to start writing your vows without the pressure of trying to be “perfect.” The perfect vows are just promises to your partner, written out of love, with all the humor, authenticity, and little quirks that make your relationship special.
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